this fall is my last semester of college.
i feel like i'm standing at this precipice between adulthood and childhood and being forced to choose to grow up or stay young and curious.
i no longer have as much fun in amusement parks and arcades as i used to. happiness and sadness both feel more numb to me. there's no longer as many novel experiences because i've already tried everything once.
i wonder if the next step is just to have a kid and relive the life through their eyes. if the way to stay young-minded is to see the next generation grow up.
for the longest time i thought relationships were all about me. would i be happy? why do people want me to find a partner? i don't need someone.
but then i realized at some point my parents won't be there for me anymore and my friends would have all grown up and will be busy with their kids. finding someone around my age is finding a mutual caretaker, making sure we're both not alone in this world once everyone else is gone. if we're around the same age we'll have more chance of living through a larger chunk of life together.
when i had covid in china and was sitting in the room waiting to get the CT of my lungs, i sat next to a guy screaming in pain while laying on a rolling bed. he had a nurse near him and no one else. the nurse didn't try to comfort him and i didn't know him so i didn't know what to say. in that moment i realized how much i feared the idea of suffering my last moments on my own. one day, my body's going to give out. in that moment, i'd want to say goodbye to someone. i'd want to say my last words, hear them say that they'll miss me, even if they don't mean it. i'd want to feel like someone cared and feel that in this vast universe, the years i spent on this earth were not in vain because i shared it with another soul, one that cared enough to bravely watch the final episode together, knowing that only one of us will live on to see the next season.
it's actually weird to me how little i've thought about death but how easily it can happen. when i was flying from shanghai to beijing, the airplane i went on took a sudden lounge. the flight attendant next to me fell on me and i wondered if this was it. i wondered if i should've written a will.
i now wonder if i should write one when i should write it. i wonder if it's too grim to write one too early, not knowing when it'd be too late. i wonder how often i'd have to update it to make sure it was up to date, and who i'd share it with to make sure it is properly passed on. what date i'd even set if it was a scheduled email, how many times i'd move it back if i guessed incorrectly, how many different contacts i'd add to that email. it's weird how mysterious death is, a dynamic but inevitable expiration date.
throughout high school and college i've found the idea of religion ridiculous. i felt like believing in the bible was synonymous to devoutly believing in harry potter books. watching the book of mormon was just hilarious because it felt so redeeming seeing religion portrayed so ridiculously. but looking back it is nice that religion is an active place to think and talk about death. there's not many places like that.
last semester i read this book god, human, animal, machine and it had me continuously thinking about how humans are gods to ai because we created ai. ai's version of the bible is basically all of the internet. it's weird how evolution is moving to the digital world, and history is moving in parallel in online worlds.
i'm a bit scared of graduating because i'm scared of floating through time without an end point like there was for high school and college. many of my friends who have graduated are assimilating into their full-time jobs and the majority of them aren't enjoying it very much. they miss school already.
part of me wants to keep running away, mindlessly doing a master's or phD just to extend my time as a student. i don't want to lose the curiosity, the fun in learning, the freedom to explore as a student, but i know that clinging onto it for no good reason isn't a solution.
i wonder if we're just living in a liminal space between now and world war III, and if i should be cherishing this pre-war time more. if i should be living it up, not knowing when it'll settle down in peace again. whether i should be bracing myself for the uncertain future rather than planning too far ahead into the void. if the stable times of my parents' generation are over and we're in a new era with a new strategy needed. i wonder if i should learn a new language, whether i'll end up in another country by the time i'm 35, whether the world will even exist long enough to see my kids live to be my age.
losing control is frightening. everything has been so easy to control in my life so far. grades, jobs, friends. now it feels like everything's slipping through. i feel like i'm stuck in that moment in tetris when the pieces have started piling up. no matter how hard i try it's too much to clear. they're all coming too fast and there's no time left.
pessimism feels too easy, so i instead try to be an optimist. i search for optimism in history, only to realize learning more makes me more aware of what i don't know, and exposes me to more of the parts that may have been better off hidden.
“whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them"
—hamlet, ‘to be or not to be’
i'm not really sure where i'm going with this piece but i'd love any hope in feeling less nihilistic and confused. it feels like every year i reach this point when i'm in my mind for too long and then it goes away when i distract myself. i’m hopeful for a solution better than distraction.
hi nancy, chiming in for part two of interacting in this parasocial relationship since i love these blogs but have never met you irl (the last time i felt compelled by a piece to comment was back in january).
I just graduated from cmu and started working full-time in downtown pittsburgh and while i do for the most part enjoy my job and the people i work with, i can definitely sympathize with the views of your other graduated friends. it's weird to not have classes and extracurriculars defining my hobbies and schedule, and i've come to the realization that i'm at the point where i need to provide my own structure and direction in my life, because the only thing that's stopping me from falling apart or self destructing is myself. this freedom and "lightness of being" has left me feeling....adrift? in life because there is nothing set in stone for me in terms of location, timelines, goals, people, etc., it can all change at any time. this realization has catalyzed me into really trying to pull my act together though, as I realized how easy it would be to drift, not find direction, and settle into mediocrity (i feel like a handful of my coworkers ~5 years out of college have fallen into this), and i guess i want a more intentional approach to life.
i definitely do already miss my time at CMU, as i was extremely lucky and found friends and a community that brought so much joy into my life, and it's a very bittersweet feeling to have to let go. i definitely feel the pull towards staying involved on campus and being a perpetual student, but i dont want to be that weird old guy who hangs around college kids and is desperately trying to hang onto his youth.
i also relate to your comment about searching for optimism, as i have had quite a pessimistic outlook for a large part of my life, and i also have yearly existential crises that lead me to the brink of breakdown for a week or so before the feeling fades and i just suck it up and go on with life as normal. but during this year's crisis at the beginning of summer, i reconnected with my high school philosophy teacher in the hopes of finding answers, guidance, or some way out of these toxic thought loops (which i have also recently realized can be damaging to the relationships of those around me, which is even more of a reason to dig myself out of it). she recommended me a handful of books about philosophy and life that i've been discussing with her back and forth over email, which has been extremely helpful to me both for the refreshing ideas in the books and also for feeling understood and guided by a philosophical mentor, which i've felt like i really needed for years now.
I've come to peace with the thought that because i've been searching for meaning and answers for so long, this pursuit will probably last my whole life. i know now that there are no solid or definite answers to anything, so im getting used to the feeling of creating/discovering my own answers because there are no rules (“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked"). i'm hoping that this change of mindset + lots of reading and discussion with my former teacher + my very intentional approach to structure my life with hobbies, learning, and friends alongside work will lead to some level of happiness, or at the very least a certain achievement of self-actualization.
is this what adult life is like? is this what it means to "grow up?" its not easy but im cautiously optimistic that somehow i will find a way out.
i really do wish you the best,
-Adam
This is such a good writing.
I want to shout out that you are absolutely not alone in this, and there are so many people, youth and adults, wondering about their lives, including me, as I am graduating this academic year.
My take on this is to let the life go how it goes, do your decisions to the best you can, and do not regret anything.
I empathize with what you wrote here, and I with us both and others too to find our paths. ❤️