the pressure feels so on these days. my mom is like 'nancy have you found a guy yet' and pushes me to go down my list of guy friends to evaluate which is the best option relationship-wise.
my friends who recently graduated are telling me to find someone in university since it'll be much harder later. and they're probably right.
in high school my mom was pretty forceful, and set me up on blind dates occasionally. one time she didn't tell me it was a blind date until we got to the restaurant and when we got there she pretended to be 'surprised' to bump into them. i had dinner with him and his mom while his mom asked me about my accomplishments... it was the most awkward and uncomfortable experience i ever had. i apologized to the guy afterward and interestingly he shared his side of the story and also apologized.
i know my mom means the best for me but this is just too much. it's probably because she waited to get married late and regretted it and she's trying to avoid that fate for me. it's interesting how the way of passing down wisdom is by trying to subtly move and bend reality a little to not repeat history again.
i thought it was weird that she got married so quickly after dating my dad, but then i realized how little time there is.
if i wanted to be married to someone before 30, and ideally wanted to date someone for around 5 years before i'm 29, then i'd have to meet them at 24. so at 21 i really only have the next 3 years to find a long-term partner to be with.
a part of me feels like there's something wrong with me for not having found someone at university yet or not being satisfied with anyone i’ve met as a potential partner despite having met so many people this last year. statistically, is there something wrong with the way i'm approaching this?
there's really only one guy i ever could've seen myself being long-term with, and these days it feels like i'm just trying to find someone like him. someone with intention, who is serious about what he says and does and it’s apparent in all of his decisions. i guess it's the rational thing to do, if i liked him i must like people who have traits like him. but it’s rare, so i find myself hung up on the past and what could've been if our paths aligned a little more in some way.
i think i find traits of people i like and once i find it again i get some feeling of deja vu, and when enough of them collect in one person i assume i like them. i'm not sure if this is a very great model of approaching something as serious as finding a life partner, but it's the only model i've had to work off of so far.
the most ideal arrangements i've found are professor couples, couples that are co-founders that work well together, couples that raise a pet together, or cultivate some idea together. i feel like working toward a common goal are moments that brought me the closest with people and sometimes i find myself chasing that high of moments like those. times where we sacrificed sleep while breathing a game to life, creating something new by putting our two heads together, mind melting until our ideas morph into one reality. i watched the coinbase documentary recently and couldn't help but fangirl over the relationship brian armstrong and fred ehrsam had when they worked together, how they're just best friends and watching them brought me back to those moments i just hacked or debated on something late in the night and i want that again.
i want to feel like we're pushing each other to succeed and to newer heights. i want to know someone without having to care about their degree, their job, their salary, or their net worth. i think this is only harder when there are more things to compare and more heuristics on those who define who we are after college.
how do i filter for someone who also is looking for something long-term when everything is about optionality these days? is it unfair of me to want something long-term if i don’t even know what i want?
i really don't think artificially rushing and optimizing this process by adding my dates on my calendar and swiping right more is a good idea. i don’t have problems meeting people i really enjoy talking to but i think there’s so much i have to learn about how this translates to cultivating and maintaining a strong relationship.
i don’t really know how to best approach this anymore... i'd love any advice on relationships because i feel pretty lost these days. mindmine's piece on modern dating really hit when i read it last week.
Some poet said: "in our life, we love just once, and then we always search for the similar" (I'm paraphrasing, cuz it's a translation). I don't know how true it is, but I can see that being real -- if you liked someone, you know that you'll like a similar person as well. However, it's up to you to be open to something new or be focused on what you experienced before.
Aside from that, my opinion would be that a long-term relationship is not something that can be forced or achieved with only hard work or determination. Sometimes people wait for years for a chance to find a partner. The idea is not to force this chance to happen (by, say, increasing the number of blind dates) but is to not miss this chance, once you'll encounter it.
It's hard to say anything more specific here on this broad, deep, and important topic without a prior discussion. Regardless, I should say that I can't, as you ask, "give advice" -- I'm far from being qualified to do so. But I'm always here to discuss it if you feel you want to talk about it :)
your graphic oh my goodness!