taiwan

:(

my mom has always told me taiwan was ‘just a small island so it’s inferior to china’ and ‘there’s not much to see there.’

after school, i’d witness her arguments with other parents. sometimes it’d get really heated and she’d tell me to not be friends with their kids anymore. she grew up in mainland china, so that’s what she was taught. i believed her, or at least, i did until this summer when I went to taiwan against her will. 

i didn’t really expect much. i was in shanghai studying abroad, so it was more out of convenience than out of spite. unexpectedly, i felt right at home in taiwan. 

the aromas of the night markets on the streets of taipei brought me back to the cafeterias of my elementary summer school, where i’d devour all the traditional taiwanese dishes made by the old couple running the program. the shaved ice with taro balls i had on the mountaintop of taiwan’s north shore brought me back to the living room of my best friend’s house, which her mom would make every time i stopped by her house after school. 

i grew up playing with taiwanese american friends, attending my friends’ taiwanese church, and learning traditional chinese characters from a taiwanese instructor.

understanding the differing perspectives of the u.s., china, and taiwan have rendered me frustrated and confused by their escalating political tensions. i find myself toiling over the news, as if i’m trying to resolve a bickering fight between three of my good friends. i can’t cheer for a team, because i’m part of them all.

recently, my mom hatched some ducklings using a chicken to incubate them. the ducklings grew up acting like chickens. sometimes i feel like the ducks, unsure of what i actually am.

isn’t truth supposed to set you free

well, why do i feel so weighed down by it?

— from ‘this wish’