post-asia depression

writing to you back in the u.s.

i came back from asia two days ago. every time i come back to the U.S. I get this lingering feeling of post-travel depression

i miss the 7-11s, the convenience, the familiarity, the quality of life. i miss the vending machines, the cute merchandise, the clothing colors and bb-creams that actually fit my skin tone. the fast food options and soft drinks that don't leave me feeling like shit

asia always feels like a second home to me because i grew up in the shadow of its culture. to see rilakkuma, sumikko gurashi, hello kitty, totoro, miffy, doraemon, and every single cartoon character in full display in japan feels like going back to my childhood. trying various cha chaan tings in hong kong and finally eating real deal dim sum makes me realize how badly the food is butchered in the U.S. watching films with full displays of emotions from asian people makes me realize how badly eastern asian culture is represented in the west. how much of my culture is missing in the U.S. makes me want to be a cultural silk trader

each time i go into the stores in asia, i goggle over the prices. my mind starts calculating the personal arbitrage of purchasing pens and pencils and snacks from where they're made. i take advantage of every last ounce of space in each suitcase to ship all my items back by hand.

in asia it feels like i'm really living. each time i come back to the U.S. it seems like stalling just for the next time i can afford to leave. like i'm cramming my life into these few weeks of bliss just to come back to be depressed once again. i used to look at the international students and wonder how they felt when they came to the U.S. at first. does it compare to the novelty i feel when going to asia? do they miss it?

last summer when i was in china i was so confused by how much the native girls enjoyed posting about 'brunch' and western food. i was shocked how well starbucks did next to all the boba and milk tea shops that tasted so much better. it was really confusing to me at first, but then i realized that we want what we don't have. because western food isn't the default in china, it's what is 'cool.' conversely, what is 'high-end' food in the u.s. like sea cucumber and cordyceps is often just chinese medicine you find on a random street in asia.

i know that the U.S. is so much better in terms of freedom and expression and whatever, but i can't shake the fact that it just does not compare to how i feel while in asia. i wish there was some in-between of east and west, some place where i could call my home without bouncing in the middle-ground. yes the politics sucks but i wish my day to day life was like what it is there. i wish i could have drink options besides coke and diet coke and pepsi and diet pepsi and i could walk into a bright and sparkly seven eleven and get a onigiri for a dollar. i wish i could randomly decide to book a bullet train on the spot and be halfway across the country in a few hours. i wish i could pay the price of an item on a menu without thinking about tax or tip.

those are things that i've always been baffled about, how behind the U.S. is in terms of life quality. is it that hard to mass produce cheap tasty food? is it that hard to get across the country in the 21st century when japan has had bullet trains for over 50 years now? is it that hard to make a medical system where you can pay a reasonable price to get what you need? what era are we even stuck in here

i wonder if these are questions my parents thought about when they immigrated here or if this is the sacrifice for the cost of 'freedom.' or if everyone here is just here to earn the money just to spend it abroad or save it for that once every year or every other year trip of escapism. if the allure of the power of the dollar is enough to sacrifice for the day to day life of misery