motivation is such an elusive concept to me. sometimes nothing gets done, and sometimes everything gets done.
not even a week of school has passed since i finished my finals and i already feel myself derailing. i'm so bad at keeping myself accountable. on saturday i spent the entire morning writing lists of things i want to learn and do this summer. the list just kept growing as i realized how much i know what i don't know now.
i've seen different ways of tackling it. some people use social media and post their progress every day, others pay someone to be accountable, yet others sign up for a class. i even had a friend who would force themself to have a crush on someone in a class to be motivated.
at one point this semester i couldn't get myself to do the work so i just put myself on a livestream just so i could focus. it worked and i got the work done. other times i go to campus and sit there and for some reason the work gets done too.
it's weird because i know i want to do the things i want to learn. i know i want to draw and i want to make videos / documentaries and get better at 3d art but its still hard when i'm not in the setting for myself to be motivated. when i don't do them i ask myself if i even loved what i loved in the first place.
i saw this quote from a filmmaker where he was saying that its really scary when you work on things that you love because you're scared of failing yourself. you feel like you've failed when you put your all into something and it doesn't turn out the way you wanted.
when i work on projects for me, they are never fully finished because i can never let go and reach the standard i want to reach. its this battle with myself that i have to get better at facing.
what i’ve been up to
i made a short documentary called ‘made in china?’ where i asked my international chinese friends to talk about chinese americans and american born chinese to talk in chinese (or try to) and it was a lot of fun to screen in my documentary film class. people in my class said i have a very strong personal style / voice in my films which was really rewarding to hear. i’d like to work on more for fun this summer.
directed and produced the largest immersive project i've ever worked on over the last 10 weeks that was exhibited called ‘the orange experience’ that takes place in the future where oranges are extinct. it was crazy directing an art team and it solidified that the only career i want is creative director now. you can watch the full show here.
i designed and playtested a board game where you play while at teatime with other moms and gossip about your kids. the gossip is generated by chatgpt and its telephoned to other moms and it was really fun to playtest in class.
my birthday is this upcoming friday and i was trying to figure out a way to make my birthday party hybrid just because so many of my friends are not physically here. i was thinking of putting computers in different parts of my apartment so people can ‘physically move’ between spaces and talk to people. not sure if this will happen yet but it’ll be interesting if it does. i was partially inspired by the surrealism of this really funny wacky project of an experience where people have virtual babies based on pictures of their faces that combine with each other
i started watching how to with john wilson and severance. absolutely in love with how to with john wilson. its so human and so fun. severances' design is incredible but its really depressing to watch because i know so many people who are dissociated like the main character once they entered industry. i don't know if i'll finish just because it hurts to think about it
despite a lot of challenges i faced moving to phoenix and starting over its become really clear i could not have had a chance of being a real filmmaker or artist if i hadn’t made the leap. i’ve gotten so many perspectives of the world that i couldn’t have learned just by being around no other people who look and act like me. sometimes its really lonely not having people who have my exact childhood to relate to but i’m really grateful to be able to unlock and experience places of the world that are different and don’t feel as familiar as home