life hasn't been easy

some unfiltered thoughts from the past month

i found this journal entry i wrote last month and read it again today and it hit really hard. this past month was really rough for me.

you know when something feels wrong. you feel it in your bones. you feel it with every inch of your body that if you were a kid again you would throw the pen down and get out of there.

you might push the feeling aside, wait for it to disappear, but every time it comes back it only comes back stronger.

it eats at you. that feeling of dissonance. it severs your brain, it takes over your conscience.

when you finally act on it and leave what you hate, the feeling of unshackling is incredible. you feel light like the air, you feel yourself again. you wonder where all the time went and why you stayed. you laugh and cry like you once did, you feel the emotions in your chest come back.

also this one

there's a distance that i feel with people when i don't feel seen. it comes out in explaining a topic and having to re-explain it more than once. the greater the distance, the more times i have to re-explain something. the smaller the distance, the less i would need to clarify, as if the other already knows what i mean without words.

feeling seen comes out in these small ways, in the ways people silently open or close doors on you.

the past few weeks i rammed my head against the wall trying all i could to find a place where i fit in, and i think it's finally starting to work. i withdrew and added classes, i left and joined labs, i filled my calendar with events... i'm slowly but surely meeting people that make me feel seen

and this one

its frightening throwing away the world you knew and coloring in the pieces again. some days i just want to color them in the same just to get it done. but i know that there's so much more i have to learn by starting over.

sometimes it feels like i'm aging backward. i cared so much about discipline and career growing up that now i'm making up the time that i lost to just exploring as a kid.

sometimes i just want to skip to the part of life when i have grandchildren. it seems like the only time you get to be a kid in society is when you are one or you've aged out of everything.