covid

a close call

i got covid this past week in china.

this is my first time getting covid and my symptoms were really bad. it was getting really hard to breathe after my second day of symptoms and i felt like my lungs couldn't fill up fully. it felt like it was getting worse each day.

i went to the hospital and they prescribed me the chinese equivalent of an anti-viral named paxlovid. this medicine is meant for people who are at risk of being hospitalized from covid. it's really weird to think what would've happened if i didn't take this medicine, or if i got covid before this medicine had existed.

taking the medicine kind of felt like breaking out of the matrix, like i just earned another life in the game by a miracle. like i very narrowly escaped having enough health points in the boss battle.

i hadn't reflected on how disconnected i am from my body until now. looking at the ct scan of my lungs, getting my blood drawn, it almost felt like watching my life in third person. i forget sometimes that i live in this body, that i watch it from first person view.

luckily, i've been slowly getting better with the medicine and hope to completely recover in my last week before coming back the the US. i am now testing negative for covid but it’s still pretty hard to breathe, so i can’t talk or walk much without feeling really short of breath.

if i was in my last moments, i'd think about all the time i spent with my friends. the people i cared for, their smiles, the moments of joy. i'd think about the parts of me that are immortalized online, the videos i've made of my friends, the pieces of my thoughts that i've transcribed into writing. the moments where i put all my heart into something i cared about, feeling like i lived them well. a montage of happy moments, passed on in the minds of those that come after me.

i used to think that if i knew i didn't have a lot of time left, i'd try to fit everything into a tighter schedule. like how when i procrastinate i do all the work last minute, making the most of every second. but i realized that's not really how life works. you have to make the most every chance you get because your time will run out and you won't be able to make up for those moments that easily. you won’t be able to see that friend for the last time, repair an old friendship, strengthen your current friends. you’re left with the decisions you’ve made, frozen in time.

from this experience i realized how much i love writing, sharing, and making videos, art, and writing with my friends. there's just not enough time in a day to do it all. this week, i challenged myself to edit some of my old vlogs. i've done three so far (birthday one, internship one, senior spring one) and there's many more in the pipeline. i hope to dedicate more of my time to creating short films and pieces on topics i care deeply about.