25

a quarter of a century

a few days after i turned 25, while fixing my hair in my car mirror at a stoplight, i found a strand of pearly white hair and completely freaked out

i pulled it off my scalp and inspected it thoroughly to confirm that it was in fact, mine T_T

am i getting old that fast?

it’s very weird that i can now say my early twenties were the past now and that i’m in my mid-twenties. on one hand, i feel like i’m still at a forgiving age, but on the other i feel like i’m still as baby still entering high school at 15. it’s very weird to imagine that in another 10 years i’ll be a full fledged mid-thirty year old.

i’m going to my friend’s wedding in a few weeks (my first wedding). the past few months i’ve been seeing people’s wedding instagram posts and it’s kind of terrifying.

maybe going to the wedding will make me feel less scared and more excited? it’s scary because i can’t even imagine getting married at my age now.

i know that everyone is on different timelines, but i’m just so scared of turning 35 and being the only one left. one of my favorite musicals, company, starts out exactly like that. watching that a few years ago scared the shit out of me. it’s weird there’s these soft deadlines in society that are implied.

the past few years have been me slowly losing guy friends because they would start acting weird. it’s also so awkward because it feels like there’s this shared pressure to like get together with someone to hide from the glaring judgmental society or something.

my favorite satirical romance movie is the lobster, and in the movie the main character, a single man, is sent to a hotel and has a time limit to find a partner. if individuals don’t find a partner there, they are turned into an animal of their choice. the basic choice is a dog, but the main character chooses a lobster because “they live to be 100 years” and “have blue blood.” people go on to desperately find reasons to relate to each other in hopes of finding love.

when i see couples now, this is exactly how i feel. it feels like a sort of fake codependence.

i don’t know, maybe i just haven’t met someone in real life i could actually see the other three quarters of a century with